How to Wait Well

When it comes to our spiritual lives, there is not a fast track. When we choose to entrust our entire lives to God, we simply have to wait on His guidance and timing for us. Sounds easy enough right? I don’t know about you, but I actually struggle with waiting. Yep, big time. Whether it is something as mundane as waiting in a grocery store line or something as serious as waiting for a life partner to come along, a baby to be born or a calling to be revealed, my natural inclination is to get to that “next” desired thing as fast and as efficiently as possible. I want what I want when I want it.

How about you?

If you are like me and are tempted to grumble during periods of waiting on God, take heed. It comes with the territory of faithful living. But instead of dreading or avoiding the inevitable periods of waiting that come along in life, we can actually learn to wait well. Here are a few reflections on how to wait well that have come out of my own periods of waiting:

(1) Wait in Action.

Waiting does not mean we sit twiddling our thumbs until ‘poof’ God brings us the desired thing or directive for which we are waiting. Waiting is not a passive thing. Rather, it is staying where we are and living actively in that place.  It is the willingness to stay where we are and live out the situation to the fullest with the deep conviction that God is working.  Patient living means to actively live in the present and wait there.

The Bible tells us we are complete in Christ no matter if we are single or married, with or without children, working or not. Colossians 2:9-10 (NLT) says,

 “ For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

It doesn’t say you are complete IF. Rather, we are complete IN Christ. Period. And I think we are wise to approach seasons of waiting from this perspective. Our lives are not waiting to start. They have started and God has things for us to do in each season. Tim Keller speaks of waiting (in regards to singleness) as,

 “…neither a condition without any struggle nor on the other hand an experience of misery. It is fruitfulness in life and ministry through the single state.

I would argue that any state of waiting for something is a time for special fruitfulness in life and ministry. We can often fool ourselves into thinking that we will be happy or fulfilled or productive or fruitful WHEN…we get that thing we are waiting for. But really, God is working in every season, even through the difficult ones of waiting.

Try telling yourself: waiting is not passive, idle or dormant…it is active, productive and fruitful!

(2) Wait in Honesty.

Waiting well doesn’t mean each and every moment of every day is easy. Far from it. But this is a time to seek to go deeper with God. I love what the Psalmist in 62:8 says:

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

and in Psalm 56:9:

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

We don’t have to pretend we are okay when we’re not. Bring it to God and let Him bring comfort, strength and grace in times of weakness. I am grateful for the difficult times of waiting in my life, for they have brought me into greater intimacy with God.

(3) Wait in Community.

It is easy to become hyper-independent and closed off from those around us during periods of waiting. We think no one else could possible understand. But God never intends for us to be isolated from his Body. Hebrews 10 says,

 “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”

When you are waiting, reach out to someone and let them in on your journey. It will be worth it.

(4) Wait in Expectation.

When we pray and ask God for things, we must train ourselves to live with a greater consciousness of His presence.  I love Psalm 5:3,

“In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”

We can go about the tasks and activities of our days as usual, but with an unusual sensitivity to His working in our lives.  We can be on continual alert, listening, watching and waiting with great expectation for God to show up.  He could be sending us a message of hope, a directive, an instruction, a correction, a confirmation and we can miss them if we are not looking out for them.

We must also remember we have the Holy Spirit in us to guide us into all truth.

What does this mean in our waiting?

God says everything is made beautiful in its time. God is making everything beautiful in its perfect timing in your life and in mine right now. Even if it doesn’t look like He is present or we may at times feel like He has forgotten about our deepest desires of our hearts, we can know that He is right here with us holding our right hand and listening to every prayer because He promises to do so.

Choose today to embrace the wait. Doing it well shows trust in a God who really does know best.

How do you get through times of waiting? I could use some fresh encouragement.:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Traits that Make a Wonderful Mate

A friend sent me an article recently entitled, “How We End Up Marrying the Wrong People.” I don’t know if we can ever marry the “wrong” person, but I do think marrying a certain kind of person over another, can make for a more difficult or smooth experience in marriage. So how can we best prepare for a smoother ride in marriage? The author suggests that preparing for a marriage requires asking questions that would help guage what kind of spouse someone would be. For example, marriage used to be a more functional thing than anything, and the following criteria might have been considered when marrying:

  • Who are their parents?
  • How much land do they have?
  • How culturally similar are they?

In more recent years, marrying someone seems to be more about being “in love” than anything else, which means the following signs would determine the level of rightness of a spouse:

  • one can’t stop thinking of a lover
  • one is sexually obsessed
  • one thinks they are amazing
  • one longs to talk to them all the time

The author of the article suggests we need a new set of criteria for the current age in which we are living. She proposes such questions to ask when dating such as:

  • How are they mad (aka quirky, dysfunctional, abnormal, etc.)?
  • How can one raise children with them?
  • How can one develop together?
  • How can one remain friends?

While these may be legitimate questions to ponder before saying “I do,” I’d also like to add three specific things to look out for when considering whether someone else has the potential to become a great mate. Key word: potential. No person when they get married is automatically going to make a wonderful partner. It takes work. It takes willingness. But I believe we can look out for (and seek to develop in ourselves) the raw material that makes for a fantastic, God-honoring relationship partner. They are:

  1. Ability to say “I’m sorry.” It may sound simple and irrelevant in the dating phase, but it is so HUGE in marriage. If neither of you have learned how to sincerely apologize – and mean it – then marriage will be a rocky and resentment-filled road.
  2. Ability to admit mistakes. It takes a great deal of humility to admit when we are wrong. It is not easy. But when we are able to swallow our pride and say, “I screwed up,” it is the mark of someone who is not only humble but mature.
  3. Willingness to be teachable. Being teachable is being willing to change. It is realizing that your way isn’t always the right way and perhaps there is a better way. It is someone who believes in personal growth and transformation throughout life. We never reach a point where we “have arrived” and no longer need to change. This belief in personal growth and development is what makes marriage fun and adventurous and ever-moving forward.

When we are in a season of exploring relationships through dating, it is easy to focus on things that our society values: good looks, athleticism, wealth, leadership skills, etc. But really, the things that matter in marriage are farthest from the superficial things we think matter so much. The times I find my husband most attractive are not when he is pumping iron, but times he is looking me in the eyes and telling me he is sorry. Or times he owns up to his mistakes. Or times when he is making an effort to change something about himself for the sake of our relationship. I can only hope he would say something similar about me in terms of when he is most fond of me as a spouse.

If you are in a season of waiting on God, ask Him during this time to help you develop the traits listed above. If you are in a season of dating and pondering marriage, look out for traits that embody humility, vulnerability and willingness to change and grow. Also seek to develop them yourself. If you are in a season of marriage, make an honest evaluation of yourself as a spouse: Are you able to say sorry? Are you able to admit when you are wrong? Are you teachable and working on your own personal and spiritual development for the sake of your spouse?

I am always struck by 1 Samuel 16:7 when I come across it:

“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Make this verse be your guide in waiting, dating and marriage and you can’t go wrong. Marriage is what you make of it and that largely depends on the two people involved. Vulnerability. Humility. Teachability. These character traits are rare treasures that – when possessed by both partners – will make your relationship wonderfully rich and worth fighting for.

What would you add?

The Power of Positive Praise

I came across some interesting statistics in my life coaching course:

  • The number one reason people leave a job is that they don’t feel appreciated.
  • In the past year, 65% of the workforce in the US received no praise.
  • The frequency of praise and recognition in the workplace should be no less than once per week.
  • For healthy relationships, the ratio of positive comments to negative comments should be  5 to 1.
  • Positive emotion can increase life expectancy by 10 years.

The power of positive praise to the human heart cannot be overstated. Have you ever known someone who believed in you, someone who frequently spoke words of encouragement and praise? The kind of person who made you feel you could do it, whatever “it” was? That’ is the kind of person God wants us to be.There are numerous verses in Scripture that encourage us to be encouragers of others:

  • “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
  • “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
  • “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21).
  • “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.” (Proverbs 10:11)
  • “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:25)

Our words make an impact. If you are struggling to be a person of positive praise, as I am lately, refuse to accept it. We might say, “I’m just a worrier. I was born that way.” Or, “It’’s my nature to be a pessimist.” But God will have none of that. He is in the personality-changing business. He wants us to “be conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Romans 8:29). I don’t know about you but I want to be known for my encouraging words and my positive attitude. Here are some practical tips to help us bring change into this crucial area of our lives:

  1. Develop a positive thought life. Spend time in God’s Word. Meditate on  the verses that speak about encouragement. I love how Paul encourages this: “Finally…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8). A lot of times, our ability to praise others starts with our thoughts. God can transform us by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2) with His thoughts.
  2. When you wake up, ask God for help. In order to be a person of praise and encouragement, we need to ask God for help first thing in the morning. It is an intentional act, saying, “Lord, I can’t do this on my own, please help me to focus on the positive today instead of the negative!” In my journal during my quiet time with the Lord each morning, I usually write out a prayer asking God for strength to be an encourager, not a criticizer, and for self-control in handling any negative emotions that come up.
  3. Monitor your remarks. It helps if we can be aware of what we are saying. One time a close friend gently remarked that I was sounding rather negative one day, more than usual. I started paying attention and realized I had adopted the habit of negative thinking and “venting” without even realizing it. When we pay more attention and have a goal of making our positive comments outweigh negative ones, soon it will become a habit.
  4. Be intentional about encouraging others. This is where a little goes a long way. Pick one person each day and decide to send either a note, a text, an email or phone call with something to encourage that person. Maybe it is a verse or something you appreciate about them. But intentionally encouraging others brings joy not only into their lives but into ours as well.

There is so much power in our words! Why not make them positive? Choose today to be an encourager.

**What practical tips have you found to be helpful in becoming a person who brings praise and encouragement to others?

Two Words That Will Make Your Marriage Thrive

There are many things that can make a marriage thrive: enjoying similar activities, having a similar sense of humor, agreeing on priorities, finding common friends, enjoying worship together, serving similar causes, etc. These are all the light and wonderful “positive” things that truly can make any marriage relationship sing. This post would stop here if it were really that easy. But….it’s not.

There is a whole other side of a marriage relationship, the not so positive side, that can make your marriage sink as fast as the Titanic. The culprit? Selfishness. Defensiveness. Anger. Annoyance. Pride. Insecurity. Unmet expectations. These are the things no one can anticipate in marriage, but as imperfect human beings they inevitably creep up and weasel their way into any marriage, no matter how good or great it is. So, what are the two words that will make your marriage thrive – in light of not just the good – but the bad and the ugly?

“I’m sorry.”

These two words have this odd paradoxical element to them. They are the most simple and yet the most difficult to eek out sometimes.

“I’m sorry.”

When was the last time you sincerely said those two little words to the person you love? Not the “I’m sorry…BUT…” combo that let’s you get in your explanation on the back-end of it (which is my classic go-to tendency). But the simple, pure, swallow your pride two word version, “I’m sorry.” Full stop. Be warned: this is NOT the easy way. Or the comfortable way. Or the “agree to disagree” kind of meet in the middle way. It is the truly difficult, gut wrenching, heart humbling, teeth gritting, pride swallowing, self interest killing way. BUT. Thankfully there is a “but” here that is both appropriate and rewarding. These two words,

“I’m sorry.”

When used in generous amounts, in the most heated moments, against your own strong will….WORK. They somehow have the power to:

  • Knock down walls of pride.
  • Melt the ice of resentment.
  • Lift the weight of tension.
  • Smooth the rough edges of cruelty.
  • Burst through the barriers of self-preservation.
  • And pave the way for fresh encounters with your spouse or loved one once again.

It really is the most mysterious phenomenon. But. It. Works.

I can’t tell you how many times in my young marriage these words have saved us from spiraling into days of funk and fury. And I can’t tell you how many times I WISH I would have just had the courage, the humility, the wisdom to eek out these two tiny words much sooner than I did. We’re all learning. We’re all growing. We’re all on our own journey to wholeness and holiness. But by golly these two little words can make your marriage thrive in ways you’d never expect.

One verse I return to over and over again that challenges me to the core and motivates me in using these two words more often, especially when it comes to my marriage, is Philippines 2:3 (NASB):

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves…”

I am convinced that when we allow this verse to seep into the depths of our hearts, minds and souls, saying the two little words, “I’m sorry” become a regular and ever-present part of our vocabulary. It’s not about being a perfect person, or a perfect spouse who never messes up. Our relationships WILL be messy. That’s a given. But I think it is the ability to admit when we’ve messed up that is the difference between a marriage that sings and a marriage that sinks.

Which will you choose?

What other tips do you have for making a marriage or any relationship thrive? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

 

Faith or Fear?

I came across a quote the other day by John Maxwell that said this:

“People who focus on their fears don’t grow. They become paralyzed.”

Although it is easy to tell ourselves we are not going to focus on our fears, it is equally as easy to give into fears whenever we face adversity, uncertainty or unexpected changes in our lives. Perhaps it is a loved one getting sick or a family member going through mental illness or a loss of a job or a struggle in marriage. We cannot always predict what will set off fear in our lives and we often feel like we cannot always control fear once it has made its home in our hearts and minds.

The question I have been asking myself lately, and perhaps you have asked too, is:

What difference does being a child of God make?

In this fear-based, fear-inducing world where there is no guarantee of health, safety and protection from danger, disease and disaster, what difference does it really make that we are people of faith? How can faith help us overcome our fears?

As a Christian life coach in training, I am learning some practical tools to help in overcoming fear that I’d like to share here:

1. Facing Our Fears. First, it is important to acknowledge that fear is a normal part of life. Perhaps that is why there are so many Bible verses telling us not to be troubled and afraid (see Joshua 1, Luke 1:30, John 14:27). We will never come to a place of overcoming all our fears, but we can learn to cope with them better when they come.

2. Naming Our Fears. Sometimes it is helpful to list out our fears one by one. If I am feeling particularly fearful about something, I’ll begin my quiet time listing them out in a journal and I picture “lifting them up” to God. Something about that helps me to release them and reminds me I am not alone and that God is there with me to help me deal with my fears. Some examples of naming our fears could be fear of:

  • Failure
  • Looking stupid
  • Rejection
  • Change
  • The unknown
  • Getting older
  • Losing a job
  • Fears about confrontation
  • Struggling to pay the bills
  • Loss of health

What are some fears you are currently facing?

3. Using Our Fears for Motivation. By facing and naming our fears, instead of allowing them to paralyze us, we can use them to motivate  us into action. For example, whenever I am feeling afraid, it propels me to seek God more than any other time. I know that He is the only one that can set me free from my fear. As Psalm 34:4 states:

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”

Other ways our fears can motivate us into action are choosing to take steps to counter each fear. For example,

  • If a loved one is sick, choose to appreciate them being here today and call them up on the phone to tell them.
  • If you are struggling financially, brainstorm with a friend how you can increase your income.
  • If you are facing unexpected change, write down three things that you can see as positive about this change.
  • If you are feeling paralyzed by fear, pick a verse in Scripture to meditate on slowly until His peace floods your heart once again.

Fears, without a doubt, can be crippling. They are real. And life can certainly be scary at times. But the difference we can hold onto as children of God is that we have a Father in heaven who knows, sees, cares and will act on our behalf. We can go to Him in prayer and ask Him to help loosen the paralyzing grip of our fears by enabling us to live a 1 John 4:18 kind of life, which says:

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

Friend, whatever fears you and I are living with today, let’s be reminded that we can choose faith. When we do, peace, joy and freedom are ours in Christ.

 

 

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